Thursday, April 8, 2010

To Jacob...

Hope you won't get me wrong.Perhaps I know you won't,you never did,even when I was on the edge of my insanity and stupidity,
you know me too well.

Don't know any other way to tell you this.
Don't know if I am doing the right thing.
Just know that I need to tell you what I am thinking,what's going on....

That day when we first started to hang around,
I don't doubt,I felt you were one of my angels who relieved me from the pain that I was going through.Your friendship,your presence was indeed a blessing to me.
Still it is...

That night was the most painful night of my life that I decided to forget about Edward.To throw away my love for him,though I knew it was kind of impossible and impossible it was.
I was unable to sleep due to this enormous pain within my heart that seemed to bear a tons of pressure by an unknown force,maybe it was the force of true love that was hitting the walls of my will.You know,I never though ''I'' will have to feel this,never.
It was hard to breath,to eat,to talk,to laugh,even to pretend to be happy for your loved ones.I was just like a dead girl,like a zombie,
dead yet alive.
I cried every single night.My tears were unstoppable,even in the classroom,though visible to only my friend P......
I cried while listening to any romantic song,remembering my failure to hold him forever,by remembering the never forgetting promises.His memories haunted me like a shadow.
There were many nights my friends,my other angels,spent consoling me,making fruitless effort to stop my tears.I cried,in hope that someday my eyes will run out of it.But it didn't.Perhaps the wound left in my heart was too hard to heal without some ones help.
Now,I know it was waiting for some care,love,responsible friendship,that it once craved from someone,but in vain....

And now,tell me what should I do?

This heart is getting addicted to you,Jacob.
Hoping to be with you in each moment,eager to share every incident that occurs in this life and it has started to expect (i know it shouldn't ) the same from you,and if some day you don't....what if....
I don't even want to think of that.

I wan't you to know that, you are the perfect guy a girl can ever wish for.I am not your worth.Not at all.You are too good for me.
Yet you gave me the place of a special friend in your life.You can't imagine how lucky I consider myself and am so much honored.And I promise we will remain best friends forever.I'll be there for you,no matter what happens.

But,you see...
you are giving me that shelter that I wished for.And my sinner side has started to claim for that place.Which I know I don't deserve.
Or do I?

The thing is that I don't want you to be unhappy for me or for anything ever.
I want you to have everything best in your life.
But in my life you are the best.
So,it's kind of hard for me to think of anything else,I just can't.
Even if Edward returns.I know he won't.Perhaps he wasn't the true Edward at all.Not everything of life resemble a story,right?

Sigh!! much to tell....but so much I shouldn't....not here,like this.
Sometimes, life is so much complicated, no?

In the end,just wan't to tell you that,
the much you care about me,the more care sprouts within me for you,
the more you bear my nonsense,the more you become precious to me.

And the more I fear I'll lose you.
Perhaps that's the reason for our fights,
my fear to be dead again...
I am sorry for every blatant words I've ever spoke to you,for often hurting you.

And the best I can do right now is to just give you the friendship that you deserve.
I know I freak out really easily,and unreasonably,to much undeserving.
But I promise yet another thing to you,
I will be the best.



Sunday, April 4, 2010

My infatuating avocation....

I think every girl must have had a personal diary,
especially in adolescence, the time of crushes,fast platonic love, friendships forever - yeah, I still believe in 'forever', but do not admit how often I use it for ' long, long time. "

okay,maybe not ''every girl'' and fairly not as much passionate and addicted like me(I am continuing with my 5th one,p.s. its in its middle age...kudos!!),
but they must have had scribbled those momentary thoughts on the backside of their note books at least.

Reading those ancient words,simple,sometimes erroneous,
those past stories, a lived time that is lost and never gonna get u-turned,
I realized how naive I was, how silly I was, how much I was ''Good''
''Innocent'' much I trusted and believed what people said, how I deceived with promises easy, how did I go wrong, how I cried, and how...I grew up.

Every other day I realized the changes that happened, changes of feelings, the way of thinking and even lead to life.
I laughed a lot too,reading each and every past emotions and deeds,
wondering : "My God, I really did it?" Are so many absurd...

There was some moments when I feared, what if some one reads it?
OMG!! it'll be so embarrassing...
There were also some time when I decided that I will write it in my ''will'' to destroy my diaries with me...I'll disappear from this world not leaving a single memory of mine.

But despite all this, I would not change anything. Nothing at all !!
I am not ashamed of my past and neither of my romantic delusions, silly and ridiculous.
I would not try to fix any mistake, would not change any words that came out of me, no decision, and no attitude.

If I changed, maybe I had not grown, perhaps I did not know everything I know, maybe I was not like I am today.
And, honestly? I'm very proud to have broken, to have fallen, but be who I am and what I became.
I'm still pretty silly,weeping and impulsive, I still have much to learn, I have the rest of a long life to live,few more diaries to doodle in.

Again....One day I'll read these present thoughts of mine and question myself.....astonished,proud,sometimes angry or ashamed?...maybe I even laughed a little.
Because I wrote it..

We change so much. Our life takes many turns.

And what remains?

It is memories, and words written to be read and reread. And you will say,

'My God, how I lived as I grew up!Thank you for letting all this happening to me !!"