For the last few months I'm trying to write but could not find the right words or the correct way to express myself,wondered why...until today!

I finally realized what was happening to me!!

what made me so inarticulate...

It's when something you dreamt of but never thought could happen in your life starts taking place in your story...

Your very own ''Fairytale''

I always lived in a world full of colors,my imagination, creation, lonely drift of mind-flow...

I can say that my favorite colors are white,black and purple, but I met a color he gave me...

color of happiness....color of love.... hope....

So fulgent ...it dazzled out everything else....

dunno what color it is...indubitably unseen before...

now only thing I see is....

A Dream

and...

we don't stop dreaming do we? :)

It takes time...

It takes time..

to learn the difference between the hand and a helping soul

to learn that love does not always mean support, and that company does not always mean security.

Begin to learn that relationships are not contracts, or gifts, or promises.

You will begin to accept your defeats with your head up,

and look forward, with the grace of a child and not with the sadness of an adult and learn to build all your roads today

because tomorrow is uncertain terms for projects and future has a habit of falling into emptiness.

After a while you learn that the sun burns if you expose yourself too much..

Accept even once good people could ever hurt and need forgiveness..

Learn that with the same severity with which you judge, you will also be tried and eventually ordered.

You will learn that talking can ease the pains of the soul,can heal the wounds once seemed so incurable.

You'll find that it takes years to build trust and only seconds to destroy it and you will be able to defiance the contingency that end up with things you regret for the rest of your life.

You'll learn how to combat with your desires..

Learn that we have to change friends if we are willing to accept that friends change.

Begin to learn that we should not compare with others, except when we want to imitate them to improve ourselves..

Learn that no matter where you came from but you are going , where you don't know,any place serving you needs..

sometimes destined..

Ineluctable situations we have face,to decide our own fate..

How to destroy our nemesis..

You learn that patience requires practice...

Mature has more to do with what you've learned from the years lived.

You'll learn that when you feel anger, you are entitled to have it, but that does not give you the right to be cruel.

You'll find that just because someone does not love you the way you want, does not mean that you have to cease loving them

Because there are people who love us, but do not know how to show...

Because they need you...

It is not always enough to be forgiven by someone, sometimes you must learn to forgive yourself...

You'll learn that time is not something you can go back, therefore you must cultivate your own garden and decorate your soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

Then and only then can you really know what is your forte,

you are strong and can go much farther than when you thought

could not be more.

Life really worth more when you value

Deal with it.

Good-'ol-Evil !!

A university professor challenged his students with this question:

"God created everything that exists?

One student answered:

- Yes, he did.

- God created everything, I ask the teacher again.

- Yes, sir, "replied the young man.

The professor said ...

- "If God created everything, then God made evil, since evil exists." And according to the principal that our works are a reflection of ourselves, then "God is evil."

The student was silent before such a response.

And Professor happily boasted that he had proven once more that faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said:

- I can ask a question, professor?.

Of course, replied the professor.

The young man stood up and asked:

- "Professor, does cold exist?

- What kind of question is that? Of course there is, do you never been cold?.

The boy replied:

- "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, as we consider cold is in fact the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body have or transmit energy. Absolute zero is the total absence of heat, all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction, but the cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have heat. "

- And, does darkness exist? Student continued.

He replied:

- Of course.

The student replied:

- Again you're wrong, Lord, the darkness does not exist. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. The light can be studied, darkness does not even exist Newton's prism to break white light into various colors in which it is composed, with their different wavelengths. Darkness does not. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the beam ends. How do you know how dark a certain space? Based on the amount of light present in that space, is not it?. Darkness is the term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present. "

Finally, the young man asked the professor:

- Sir, does evil exist?.

He replied:

- Of course there is, as mentioned earlier, we see violations, crimes and violence around the world, those things are evil.

To this the student replied:

- Evil does not exist, sir, or at least not by itself. Evil is simply the absence of God, is, like the previous cases a word that man has created to describe the absence of God.

God did not create evil. It is like faith or love that exist just as heat and light.

Evil is the result that humanity does not have God present in their hearts. It's like the cold when there is no heat or the darkness where no light.

The teacher then, after nodding, remained silent ...

The young man called ALBERT EINSTEIN!

p.s.- Courtesy internet.

To Jacob...

Hope you won't get me wrong.Perhaps I know you won't,you never did,even when I was on the edge of my insanity and stupidity,

you know me too well.

Don't know any other way to tell you this.

Don't know if I am doing the right thing.

Just know that I need to tell you what I am thinking,what's going on....

That day when we first started to hang around,

I don't doubt,I felt you were one of my angels who relieved me from the pain that I was going through.Your friendship,your presence was indeed a blessing to me.

Still it is...

That night was the most painful night of my life that I decided to forget about Edward.To throw away my love for him,though I knew it was kind of impossible and impossible it was.

I was unable to sleep due to this enormous pain within my heart that seemed to bear a tons of pressure by an unknown force,maybe it was the force of true love that was hitting the walls of my will.You know,I never though ''I'' will have to feel this,never.

It was hard to breath,to eat,to talk,to laugh,even to pretend to be happy for your loved ones.I was just like a dead girl,like a zombie,

dead yet alive.

I cried every single night.My tears were unstoppable,even in the classroom,though visible to only my friend P......

I cried while listening to any romantic song,remembering my failure to hold him forever,by remembering the never forgetting promises.His memories haunted me like a shadow.

There were many nights my friends,my other angels,spent consoling me,making fruitless effort to stop my tears.I cried,in hope that someday my eyes will run out of it.But it didn't.Perhaps the wound left in my heart was too hard to heal without some ones help.

Now,I know it was waiting for some care,love,responsible friendship,that it once craved from someone,but in vain....

And now,tell me what should I do?

This heart is getting addicted to you,Jacob.

Hoping to be with you in each moment,eager to share every incident that occurs in this life and it has started to expect (i know it shouldn't ) the same from you,and if some day you don't....what if....

I don't even want to think of that.

I wan't you to know that, you are the perfect guy a girl can ever wish for.I am not your worth.Not at all.You are too good for me.

Yet you gave me the place of a special friend in your life.You can't imagine how lucky I consider myself and am so much honored.And I promise we will remain best friends forever.I'll be there for you,no matter what happens.

But,you see...

you are giving me that shelter that I wished for.And my sinner side has started to claim for that place.Which I know I don't deserve.

Or do I?

The thing is that I don't want you to be unhappy for me or for anything ever.

I want you to have everything best in your life.

But in my life you are the best.

So,it's kind of hard for me to think of anything else,I just can't.

Even if Edward returns.I know he won't.Perhaps he wasn't the true Edward at all.Not everything of life resemble a story,right?

Sigh!!....so much to tell....but so much I shouldn't....not here,like this.

Sometimes, life is so much complicated, no?

In the end,just wan't to tell you that,

the much you care about me,the more care sprouts within me for you,

the more you bear my nonsense,the more you become precious to me.

And the more I fear I'll lose you.

Perhaps that's the reason for our fights,

my fear to be dead again...

I am sorry for every blatant words I've ever spoke to you,for often hurting you.

And the best I can do right now is to just give you the friendship that you deserve.

I know I freak out really easily,and unreasonably,to much undeserving.

But I promise yet another thing to you,

I will be the best.

Bella

My infatuating avocation....

I think every girl must have had a personal diary,

especially in adolescence, the time of crushes,fast platonic love, friendships forever - yeah, I still believe in 'forever', but do not admit how often I use it for ' long, long time. "

okay,maybe not ''every girl'' and fairly not as much passionate and addicted like me(I am continuing with my 5th one,p.s. its in its middle age...kudos!!),

but they must have had scribbled those momentary thoughts on the backside of their note books at least.

Reading those ancient words,simple,sometimes erroneous,

those past stories, a lived time that is lost and never gonna get u-turned,

I realized how naive I was, how silly I was, how much I was ''Good''

''Innocent''....how much I trusted and believed what people said, how I deceived with promises easy, how did I go wrong, how I cried, and how...I grew up.

Every other day I realized the changes that happened, changes of feelings, the way of thinking and even lead to life.

I laughed a lot too,reading each and every past emotions and deeds,

wondering : "My God, I really did it?" Are so many absurd...

There was some moments when I feared, what if some one reads it?

OMG!! it'll be so embarrassing...

There were also some time when I decided that I will write it in my ''will'' to destroy my diaries with me...I'll disappear from this world not leaving a single memory of mine.

But despite all this, I would not change anything. Nothing at all !!

I am not ashamed of my past and neither of my romantic delusions, silly and ridiculous.

I would not try to fix any mistake, would not change any words that came out of me, no decision, and no attitude.

If I changed, maybe I had not grown, perhaps I did not know everything I know, maybe I was not like I am today.

And, honestly? I'm very proud to have broken, to have fallen, but risen....to be who I am and what I became.

I'm still pretty silly,weeping and impulsive, I still have much to learn, I have the rest of a long life to live,few more diaries to doodle in.

Again....One day I'll read these present thoughts of mine and question myself.....astonished,proud,sometimes angry or ashamed?...maybe I even laughed a little.

Because I wrote it..

We change so much. Our life takes many turns.

And what remains?

It is memories, and words written to be read and reread. And you will say,

'My God, how I lived as I grew up!Thank you for letting all this happening to me !!"

''R''ebirth ...

like a phoenix reborn from its ashes...

now I can go further...

I can already feel the ever-lively,soothing breeze..

the sweet fragrance of joy...of naughty childhood

something is healing my heart..no more pain...

I regret no more

cherishing the freedom

my strength is renewed...finally...I can breathe free...!!

my dreams are no more cursed with the illusions...

DREAMS.....

we dream what might have happened,is happening or perhaps is going to happen to us...

deja vu?

It seemed like a beautiful night that I went over the cliff...

I looked at the horizon,the moonlit ocean sky,

all the brightness of the moon, the only light that existed at that place...

I felt the playful wind surrounding me, my wings...

the transformation was about to begin...

I was happy, it was my release...

I took a little longer to embrace that special touch,

I closed my eyes and threw myself to the unknown,unfelt...

seemed like a crazy jump off the cliff,but I needed to feel it,did not remember what was left behind...

neither I want to..and I promised I wont..

so long...

the only thing visible to my eyes was the gloomy sky...the mysterious horizon..the ever bustling ocean...

spellbound...

I confess that for a moment I felt a little fear that almost made me plummet in a free fall,

but I had grown,and at that time I had just two options,

confused,but sure of something...surely!!

without much surmise..

I made my choice

''perhaps the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most,because as it has been said without reason and without prudence the heart wants what the heart wants,and more often than not,it will not be denied...''

nights are indeed blissful in my life...

I soon felt my wings, my body that now rose before falling in a lovely flight,

like a dance,a waltz...the transformation was ready...

to someone...

I must be thankful for letting me free from the inner imprisonment

and for letting me live those moments for which today I am a new woman...

open to other dreams, other eyes, other loves...

thank you...

I want to go farther and farther away,from the deepest of the ocean to highest of the mountains...explore everywhere..feel everything.....again!!

not alone though...

someone inside me says u'll always be there..with me...won't you??

till the end of this life i'll never give up..however the things turn out to be...

must fight...only because I love challenges,adventures...

and now...I love life !!

though the ties of the past are very strong,

and sometimes I feel that this makes me doubtful for a moment,

but sooner I see that,these are just feelings...they are always present..will always be there...

the only change is in situation...people...perhaps in me...

lead it forward...

yet, it is precisely the doubts that hasten me, gives me life...It is through them that I work on my thoughts...and then comes

the evolution....

My silence...

our long silence...

so long without saying anything...

I do not know if it's the right time...

it seems that I am still waiting for the right time, timely...

but...

and if that moment does not arrive...

well...

didn't learn to see the glass half empty...

always something to change course, change the destination...

do not really know if I believe in fate,

my thoughts seem free, they are sad...

seems that all the sadness came over me...

but do not feel like crying...

not this time...

may no longer be so suffered, the pain is already known...

and expected...

and still here in silence...

pity...

to those who wait to hear my voice...

speak through eyes...

full of dreams, ideas, doubts and certainties...

they never lie...

all the contradictions in me...

and in my little world...

weighing the patience...

can see the aura within my soul...

must keep silence and let the silence speak for me...

to calm the turbulence...

the ocean of life...

who seeks peace on the shore...

my soul remain in silence...

to find my self in me...!!

new post of the new year starts with my newest found love..!!

Aww....Volswagen beetle....nowadays its really bugging my dreams :P