Sunday, April 4, 2010

My infatuating avocation....

I think every girl must have had a personal diary,
especially in adolescence, the time of crushes,fast platonic love, friendships forever - yeah, I still believe in 'forever', but do not admit how often I use it for ' long, long time. "

okay,maybe not ''every girl'' and fairly not as much passionate and addicted like me(I am continuing with my 5th one,p.s. its in its middle age...kudos!!),
but they must have had scribbled those momentary thoughts on the backside of their note books at least.

Reading those ancient words,simple,sometimes erroneous,
those past stories, a lived time that is lost and never gonna get u-turned,
I realized how naive I was, how silly I was, how much I was ''Good''
''Innocent'' much I trusted and believed what people said, how I deceived with promises easy, how did I go wrong, how I cried, and how...I grew up.

Every other day I realized the changes that happened, changes of feelings, the way of thinking and even lead to life.
I laughed a lot too,reading each and every past emotions and deeds,
wondering : "My God, I really did it?" Are so many absurd...

There was some moments when I feared, what if some one reads it?
OMG!! it'll be so embarrassing...
There were also some time when I decided that I will write it in my ''will'' to destroy my diaries with me...I'll disappear from this world not leaving a single memory of mine.

But despite all this, I would not change anything. Nothing at all !!
I am not ashamed of my past and neither of my romantic delusions, silly and ridiculous.
I would not try to fix any mistake, would not change any words that came out of me, no decision, and no attitude.

If I changed, maybe I had not grown, perhaps I did not know everything I know, maybe I was not like I am today.
And, honestly? I'm very proud to have broken, to have fallen, but be who I am and what I became.
I'm still pretty silly,weeping and impulsive, I still have much to learn, I have the rest of a long life to live,few more diaries to doodle in.

Again....One day I'll read these present thoughts of mine and question myself.....astonished,proud,sometimes angry or ashamed?...maybe I even laughed a little.
Because I wrote it..

We change so much. Our life takes many turns.

And what remains?

It is memories, and words written to be read and reread. And you will say,

'My God, how I lived as I grew up!Thank you for letting all this happening to me !!"